<p>3bm103,</p>
<p>I will never pretend to be a an etiquette star, but these people have some chutzpah!! I would hold off putting a dollar amount on a check until I see what the reception is all about. If the parents are stingy, how do you know it wasn’t their child who came up with the “no stamp” idea? just saying…</p>
<p>It’s possible that the no stamp on the RSVP card was an oversight. We recently sent out invitations for an upcoming event and I tried to triple check everything to be sure I’d not forgotten something. But stuffing the invitation and RSVP card (which we number on the back to correspond to our invite list in case someone forgets to put their name, which can and has happened) inside one and then a second envelope and getting everything stamped correctly, etc. an error can occur. Just sayin’</p>
<p>I would agree with you and be more charitable if it weren’t for the history. I would also say that they are from a small town in the boondocks and that’s just what they do there, but I’m pretty sure they have received invitations with the stamps on them so they are aware of the custom.</p>
<p>Has anyone ever received and invitation with no response card, and a request to visit the website of the couple to RSVP? What would your response to this be?</p>
<p>My son and his wife wanted to do this. So much easier and cheaper for them, but I convinced them that us old people are set in our ways and not all would be thrilled with the convenience. So they had a website link on the response card that people could use, but also included an envelope (stamped). Only about a quarter of the people used the online version. I guess a lot of people like the old fashioned way.</p>
<p>Regarding the no stamp thing: I would assume good intentions, despite the history, although I must say I’ve never gotten one without a stamp. (Actually, if you think about it, the whole SASE response card phenomenon arose because people were so rude and thoughtless about not responding properly in the first place.)</p>
<p>It sounds like these people are somewhat clueless and aren’t close friends and you have little connection to the kid. There is no reason at all why you shouldn’t decline the invitation, if you wish. If you feel as if you were invited only to extract a gift, why go? If you actually WANT to attend for some reason, I personally think that your gift to the couple should be whatever you are moved to give THEM, without regard to how much her parents spent on the reception. Personally, I never give money, so I would be selecting something guided by their registry.</p>
<p>Regarding the online RSVP: I think it’s a great idea and would be happy to respond that way. (Especially given the reason that SASE response cards are used in the first place, as I noted above.) I don’t know if I would skip response cards entirely myself, since there are people who are not very comfortable online, such as elderly relatives.</p>
<p>Julie, we need to talk about your favors. I’m sending you a PM.</p>
<p>3bm103–How long ago was their wedding? My son and fiance are doing this. When we brought up similar objections, their response was that only two invitees would find the response more difficult (my mom,84 and MIL, 92) and son would call them personally for their response. :rolleyes: They also sent their “Save the Date” announcements by email. They are both “minimalist” types and are trying to simplify things. Fiance’s mom is not happy about this, at all.</p>
<p>We recently got invited to a friends’ D’ wedding. Invitation was hand delivered when all of them were at our house for a new years party. No response cards included. We visited the website and filled out the RSVP. Was not a problem for us - we actually prefer it that way. But then again, this wedding is a whole lot less formal. I believe a verbal response would also have been fine. The invite was just addressed to me and my husband, but the kids are included (we confirmed this!).</p>
<p>If I actually knew who needed a response card, because they weren’t comfortable online, I would simply write it out by hand to those people and enclose an empty SASE so they can reply in kind. I’m assuming under a dozen people when i say that. With bride and groom handwriting, that’s only 6 times apiece, not too much to ask. Everyone else invited can use online systems.</p>
<p>That’s how it was done before printed Reply Cards and Reply Envelopes had to be invented and included for all the rude people who didn’t take the time to reply longhand to social invitations received by mail.</p>
<p>To me it seems as though most people under around 60 prefer online RSVP’s for all kinds of functions today, from church dinners to wedding anniversary parties. The couple is also dealing with the fact that their own friends are often remiss on the oldfashioned reply card system, but good online.</p>
<p>Personally I like everything that online has brought to wedding planning - websites, email save-the-dates and more. I’d be equally happy with an e-thank you note for a wedding gift, as long as it’s worded individually and sounds heartfelt. I’ve yet to receive one, however, and know that most disagree. I sometimes give the couple pages of postage stamps at a wedding shower. They look puzzled but I know they’ll need them.</p>
<p>Consolation has it exactly right - depending on the etiquette source response cards are considered anything from a convenience, to a necessary evil, to a “horrid” invention that implies that the guest is too rude to otherwise be bothered to reply. However, their absence is not and never has been considered a breach of etiquette. </p>
<p>If an envelope and stamp are not included ( though I’ve also never seen one without the other) one is expected to send a prompt, handwritten reply that mirrors the language on the invitation on one’s own stationery. It’s never incorrect to reply this way, even if someone sends one of those check yes or no cards or provides an online means of communication.</p>
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<p>OK. My son and fiance are NOT reading this. 
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<p>They would love you, paying3.</p>
<p>
This is what our kids are going for, too. Wedding ceremony in our backyard, wedding reception in fiance’s family backyard. But it’s big. Over 150 guests, but they’re going for a small, intimate and casual feel. That’s harder to pull off than you might think. Or maybe harder than I thought. Other people seem to be very well informed about these things.</p>
<p>Our kids have very definite ideas about how they want to do things, and they are surprising me at every turn. And the surprise is not always welcome, but I try to remember, “At least they are getting married!”</p>
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Almost exactly a year ago… Son was pretty adamant that he wanted to email Save the Dates, email invitations and have them respond on the website, but traditionalist parents won. My 80 something parents actually responded online knowing that’s what the couple preferred but most others did not.</p>
<p>I agree that if we knew which would prefer online and which wanted that little card we would have done it that way, but it was surprising. Even some of the friends their age (mid 20’s) used the cards.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t read anything into the mid-20s using the cards; if they were included (pre-stamped) my mid-20s would send them back, assuming that was what was expected.</p>
<p>My D made save-the-dates and sent them–adorable drawing of the ferry, dolphins and horseshoe crabs that will be near th wedding, along with stick-figure happy couple. She’s working on a similar one for the invites this weekend, and they’re definitely doing email RSVP. Most people (very moderate number) have already told them if they’re coming or not. The only older generation is my mom–she can handle online, but D knows Grandma is coming, anyway. :)</p>
<p>As per request of CTTC, I have come back to this thread to do a little wedding update. </p>
<p>I am really glad to have gotten married, and I enjoyed the day but there was a good amount of drama and things I would’ve done differently.</p>
<p>The good:</p>
<p>-The food was delicious. Many people got seconds. I was so excitable I could barely make myself eat though!
-The dessert was delicious. I ended up going with a dessert reception that had eclairs, cream puffs, cookies, chocolate covered strawberries, and more. A lot of it got eaten too, even after a filling dinner.
-The favors, courtesy of Consolation. They were fabulous. Usually, I see favors get kind of ignored at weddings but other than a couple that someone snagged for me, they all were scarfed or went home with someone at the end of the night.
-The decor. The centerpieces turned out AWESOME - they were so simple but so beautiful and I got a lot of compliments. I put together a whole suite involving a palm leaf motif with the table numbers, favor labels, and menus. Also the menu folds were pretty. The table runners I ordered online were too short but they were used in key places.
-The ceremony was brief, and beautiful. It went off largely without incident, and we were able to have it outdoors as planned. Our officiant wrote the ceremony for us and it was modern and appropriate.
-My aunts jumped in seeing I was panicking and served as day-of coordinators. They set up EVERYTHING in my absence and made the day possible.
-The museum was a lovely setting and I got tons of compliments on how unique and cool my wedding was. </p>
<p>The bad:</p>
<p>-My mom apparently didn’t realize that pictures typically start BEFORE the ceremony, especially when your reception is so short. She and my sister were supposed to help me with my hair and makeup and apparently were not planning to get there until 2 or 3 o’clock. Also in spite of knowing about this wedding for a year she had completely failed to make any travel arrangements, so was panicking the entire day before.
-My sister also did not realize that the bridal party is supposed to be in the pictures as well, so did not plan to have herself or her daughters ready.
-Because of these things, our pictures did not start until 5 when they were supposed to have started at 3. We did not get nearly as many photos as we had planned to. I should’ve clarified better with the times with my sister and mother. This is probably my biggest regret.
-I had problems with the fit of my dress because it turns out the salon sold me a sample when they really should have had me order the dress a size up - I had plenty of time before the wedding to do so. I was so enamored with the dress that I did not notice the flaws in the fit when I bought it. Ultimately the seamstress mostly fixed it but it didn’t really fit how I wanted it to.
-The reception space, while cool in temperature when I visited it, apparently heated up a lot with lots of people in it. I was pretty warm and I felt really bad for my guests (though the rest of the museum was very comfortable in temperature).<br>
-The DJ had problems getting everyone to dance. If he played older music, older people danced, and newer music made younger people dance, but he could not find a middle ground all night. </p>
<p>The ugly:
-I got a call THE DAY BEFORE the wedding that the construction of the new exhibit in the reception space would not be finished, in spite of numerous assurances that it would be. It wasn’t terrible in that it ended up being kind of a white blank space, and I did end up getting my setup fee for free because of it.
-I got pressured by my aunts to do a dollar dance even though I really didn’t want to. The DJ knew I didn’t want to do this but made it dollar optional and made a comment about how my aunts put him up to it. I am still kind of embarrassed about it though, even though it is traditional in my family to do one.
-My aunts also decided it was necessary to do a toast and so the best man and maid of honor had to give off the cuff speeches. My sister did very well but I felt terrible for the best man whose speech went poorly and seemed somewhat embarrassed. She basically came over and told us it was happening.
-There was a HUGE blowup at the end of the night on behalf of one of the aunts who helped to organize the day, and who was responsible for the last two bullets. My husband made a comment that was directed at me and not to her and she took it entirely the wrong way. After apparently stewing on it for a while, she came at me screaming that my husband was an ***hole, how dare he talk to her like that, and when I tried to speak to her she started shrieking and stormed off. She wouldn’t even talk to him to accept an apology and disappeared for the rest of the night. She made a HUGE scene and ended the night on a terrible note. Later that night via text she basically had written me out of her life because I didn’t agree with her that he was being a horrible, rotten person (for making a comment not directed at her??). At least all of my aunts came up to me and said she does this all of the time and not to take it personally, but now I have to deal with her spousal hating which will cause drama at family events forever (she has done this to my brother as well). Basically, she didn’t have enough attention (even though I made a speech and thanked her PROFUSELY) and she decided that screaming at me and telling me my husband was an awful person was an appropriate thing to do on our wedding day. :(</p>
<p>Oh well. The honeymoon was lots of fun!</p>
<p>Thank you for your report, Julie! The good, the bad, the ugly – that’s life, isn’t it? </p>
<p>Many congratulations on your wedding!</p>
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<p>My cousin and his (now-ex) wife did this at their wedding in 1987. I heard it was because there was a history of alcohol problems in his family, they didn’t drink and didn’t want to officially condone drinking by paying for it. Our whole extended family was appalled. We’d travelled 350 miles to this wedding not expecting this expense and my dad had to hit my uncle up for money. And on top of that, it was just plain tacky! If you truly don’t want drinking at your wedding, take a stand and ban it altogether. To this day, when I start talking about my relatives to my husband and he asks for clarification, all I have to say is “cash bar” and he knows exactly who I’m talking about!</p>
<p>So sorry for all the bumps, Julie, but so many congratulations!</p>
<p>Football, i think you’re replying to the wrong thread :)</p>