@aj725, he seems to be interested in Boston for some reason. Perhaps because he has good friends there, which surely helps. I don’t know that he’s really thought this through, this is a pretty recent change. I think he’s felt like he wasn’t going to pursue this, until just lately. Boston seems like a high cost of living area, but all the major markets probably are.
Some great stories here, of kids pursuing their dreams. And yeah, it would help if they can marry well! But why do I suspect it would be to another starving artist?
" “So you want to be a ditch digger for the rest of your life!”
Don’t be like my dad who didn’t wake up until four months later when he decided to rent a car and drive all the way down to Parris Island, South Carolina for my graduation. Your son needs your support and advice now but it is his decision to make. Pray that it’s a wise decision."
That’s pretty harsh. I realize we vividly remember the painful things our parents say. Like after I got my ROTC scholarship, how my dad said I wasn’t coordinated enough to be a pilot. I’m sure he forgot saying that the minute the words left his mouth, but over 30 years later, I remember.
I have a negative aspiring-actor example in my niece, now mid-thirties, expensive undergrad theater degree, moved to LA and eventually had some success. But also stopped taking other jobs (restaurants, etc) because they interfered with going to auditions. Success petered out and she could neither re-organize herself or manage money. Now has left LA and has almost minimum-wage job with no benefits. She doesn’t intend to stay there but is floundering. Parents have helped her a lot financially, but it caused lots of conflict for them because they didn’t want to perpetuate her dependence. They’re not giving her $$ now, but they’re worrying, of course. She blew through an inheritance also, to pay debts. Of course, there are deeper temperamental issues going on as well.
STILL, I agree with all those who say your son is at the perfect stage of life to give it a try. With my own kids, I’d be happy with them pursuing almost any dream if they could pay their own way. They could happily live with very little money or stuff if other things were going well for them. Good luck to him!
That sounds like a bad situation, @Ruthie58. At some point (definitely before the mid-thirties), one needs to move on. I wonder if paying your own way is the key. If your parents keep supporting you, you don’t have to make the tough decisions that you would have to, otherwise.
My oldest got the performing arts bug in high school, and joined my younger son and me homeschooling. He had always been in private school up to that point. I’ve learned to not think of private school tuition in terms of ROI, but rather an investment in the child as a whole person. Sending him to private school was our choice, not his.
He is in his early 20’s now, living in Nashville - completely self-supporting (he is on our insurance). He did not go to college (took time to be at peace with that) and worked instead. I worry about him the way moms naturally worry, but I’m also very proud of him for trying to live his dreams while he is young and un-attached. He is doing great and seems very happy, other than the natural worries about what comes next. He truly loves performing.
I think as long as parents and adult children have good boundaries, it is easier to accept and support their choices. It is his life, not yours. Love him and encourage him in being who he is, without being an enabler. That’s the the space I try to stand in (not that I always succeed). That is our job as moms.
I agree that we have to let our adult kids make and pay for their decisions ( meaning $)
What about this situation?
My brother’s 16 y/o daughter is finishing HS a year early and plans to move to NYC next summer. She will be 17 then. She plans to rent a room and find enough minimum wage jobs to support herself. No plans for college because she ‘hates school’. My brother is against this idea but feels he can’t stop her.
This isn’t quite the answer you are looking for, but I went to a school that has one of the top theater departments, and know a lot of theater majors. They do all kinds of things! Obviously some of them are actors that I see on TV, in movies, and / or on the Broadway stage. One runs a yoga studio and is a published author with favorable critical reviews. One works for a foundation in the area of gun control (she is related to a famous gun violence victim whose name you’d know) and does theatre on the side. One of them works on Disney cruise lines. One of them directs children’s theater; another is a high school drama teacher. One is an Tony-award-winning costume designer who makes nothing, but loves what she does. They aren’t all the most famous alum from the class, which was Stephen Colbert but my point is - there are lots of different things that people interested in theatre do.
@busyparent, thank God you or I don’t have to worry about a situation like that! Your kid on their own at 17? Now THAT would be truly scary. I guess your brother may not have any choice, but if he doesn’t pay for any of it, she may decide to come home soon. A room in NYC isn’t cheap, and I doubt minimum wage jobs will support it.
@SouthFloridaMom9, how wonderful that your son is self supporting and happy. I guess that truly is the goal. And this sounds like spectacular advice, “I think as long as parents and adult children have good boundaries, it is easier to accept and support their choices. It is his life, not yours. Love him and encourage him in being who he is, without being an enabler. That’s the the space I try to stand in (not that I always succeed). That is our job as moms.”
My kids are in arts fields as am I. Fortunately, Hubby’s field was more lucrative which made many things, such as advanced degrees and some post-college financial support for the offspring, possible. We always supported their decisions and aspirations, but I’ll be honest, it is very tough to watch the struggle for work. Just be forewarned, I’ve found with mine it can be a rough ride for a parent. I’ve found I need to supportive and available as a sounding board when the times are tough. As was said earlier it is certainly in my DNA to want everyone happily and comfortably “settled” which they frequently have not been. I’m lucky my offspring talk with me, but I know I’ve had sleepless nights after they’ve shared a professional disappointment. I try to remember that the kid has probably slept well after talking things out.
At the moment, everyone is happily situated, but I recognize this could change at any time. Of course, the same is very true for any job. Fields change, companies change, the economy and the world changes. A friend once said to me “I didn’t know you kept worrying about them after they’ve grown up!” How true!
By the way, 30 seemed to be the cut-off point mine had in mind for “making it” or finding another path. This was also the age suggested by several different mentors my kids picked up along the way. I have observed one friend continuing to support her almost 40 year old son through numerous job and interest changes. He is a fine person, but I don’t think the continued financial support helped him to find his path - just as you suggested in post #43,
I’m starting to realize that, @Pizzagirl, how many different things people do in theatre. I was assuming that if you can’t get the work you want in acting, that one could be completely disappointed. However, there are so many different options, that maybe one could be satisfied purely by being part of that environment. I suspect getting a theatre degree from a top school would give someone a serious head start.
OY, @busyparent, as a NYC native, I have to say your niece’s plan is 99% sure to head for somewhere between disillusionment and disaster. Where does she live now? (this prob should have its own thread, if anyone else chimes in). @Busdriver, I do think my sister and BIL should have pulled the financial plug much sooner but they are wonderful people and I can see how hard it was. My niece has innate organizational ability and spunk but doesn’t seem to be able to apply any of it to her own life anymore, and has acknowledged being depressed (cause? effect?). Maybe she would have done better without the safety net, but who knows. I know I wouldn’t make the same decisions they made, but I don’t have the same kids, and of course mine have their own struggles. Older niece, ironically, has a storybook perfect life now - teaching degree, terrific husband, 2 lovely small kids, freedom to stop working and take care of the kids and paint.
Niece is in No Va. My daughter is in NYC working and going to school at night. Niece is going for a visit soon and I hope D can talk some sense into her
@Momofadult, thank you for sharing your story. Honestly, I don’t think I can bear continued worry about job situations until the kids are thirty, I’m hoping for just a short time. It sounds like such a tough road to go down. Though I agree, anyone’s job situation can change at any time, it seems like this field is so uncertain. The odds of getting on with a major company, in a secure job situation that lasts forever seem just about impossible. Often looking for a job when one ends would seem painful to me.
My main concern in this situation would be that she is not legally an adult (? depends on state law). If she is not an adult or emancipated her parent/guardian is responsible for her
If she were my daughter I would let her graduate early, but heavily encourage her to live at home and work as much as possible to build up a nest egg. I would try to give her as much respect and autonomy as possible without being an enabler (sounds like that is what she is craving).
Also, start looking at adult issues like having sufficient credit to sign a lease, hook up utilities, etc. Maybe take a scouting trip to NYC to see what reality is. When she realizes how hard it was to earn and save $10K, she won’t gravitate to those pricier apartments/living situations. When Dad slips her $50 for groceries, she’ll be very thankful!
In other words, I would support her in her dream but also try to coach her in the specifics of making it happen.
My Nashville son feels much more secure, and less desperate, with a nice nest egg. It gives him more time to rehearse, go on auditions, etc.
My D went to school for theatre in NYC and graduated after 3 years and worked and auditioned. She had been immersed in musical theatre for years, but the reality of supporting herself and trying to audition and the competition she faced made her decide that this was not the life for her. She has moved back to the west coast and will begin a teaching credential program next fall. She was going to give herself until she was 30 to see if she could be a working actress. She made her decision to change careers after only 1 year on her own. My D worked two nanny jobs (sharing 1 with another actress) and was able to support herself and audition. She was on our insurance and we paid for her cell phone. I think you do have to let them live their lives even though it is hard on us as parents.
My nephew decided half way through his junior year of college that he didn’t want to do what he was majoring in. He wanted to pursue a professional coaching career in the sport he loves but never played at a university or club level.
His parents let him drop out of college (a top state school which has big name recognition;) ). He’s now taking classes on line part time and coaching 4th grade club level part time making minimum wage. I hear he is so happy doing this but he seemed pretty surly when he saw us recently. All of his friends are graduating now and I wonder if hearing them talking about graduation and job searches has him thinking about his life path. As he is still living at home and graduation is at least a year and a half away.
My sil and bil seem to have come to terms and supportive of their sons path. They have another son who is in an unfunded masters program also. So at a point that my H and I were looking at having our kids be independent financially, their kids are still on the “payroll” and seem that they will be for awhile.
I know my nephew is able to network in the path he has chosen because his parents have paid for plane tickets and hotels and coaching clinics.
I personally have conflicting emotions about how things are transpiring. On one hand I am happy that my nephew is happy. But I wonder how this is affecting the future for him and his parents. Can he make it? At what cost?
My H would have been so against this, he would have been apoplectic. He is a risk adverse person. He wants to retire in 6 years and having our kids be financially secure is part of his plan. We paid for college and them being on their own is very, very important to him. We don’t pay insurance or phones or anything for the kids now. They are investing in their retirement already.
I hope I’m not offending anyone and I’m trying not to be too negative. But this would have been a tough pill for my H. Really, really tough.
Be happy he is finishing with that degree. He could have dropped out midway or announced he didn’t want to go to college at all. And he has something solid to work in part time. I’d say you are all very lucky. Let him launch on his own terms. He really has done what was expected of him.
but my point is - there are lots of different things that people interested in theatre do.