<p>Our son (in 7th grade) has been acting out in class, skipping, not coming home after school (going to friends’ houses without letting us know), etc. We’ve tried just about everything: grounding, no texting (we live in the city, so the phone is important), loss of many privileges, etc. My husband and I have talked about perhaps military school. We’ve toured a few nearby us, and we really think they could help him get some character. But is it okay to send him to military school for these reasons?</p>
<p>Well, maybe it’s a solution. What does he give as reasons for acting out, skipping school, lying about his location? Is he defiant or just incredibly bored? Does he have a strong father figure, other siblings? Is this new behavior or just more of the same at an increased level? Is this a bid for more attention, even if it is negative?</p>
<p>What is he interested in—sports, arts, any academics? What do his teachers say? Do you know his friends and their parents and what are they like? At 12, you want to nip this behavior quickly or you will have a big problem in the high school years. I would not go the BS route without thoroughly exploring all the reasons behind his behavior. Find an excellent counselor who deals with troubled pre-teen boys, maybe a referral from your school, someone who just doesn’t speak psychobabble but can get to the core of the problems.</p>
<p>How does he respond to the idea of military/boarding school? My friend’s son was similar to yours, it took her 3 years to put him in a school for troubled teens. His dad was present, but not much of an influence. He was bored with everything (brilliant young man) and got involved with alcohol, girls, drugs because that was more exciting. He still managed to pass his classes. He NEVER thought his parents would be strong enough to do it, but one morning the escort service to the school was in his bedroom. So far, so good, but his life is completely structured.</p>
<p>Teens can be so thoroughly exasperating, that I’m sure all parents have at times fantasized about packing their teen off to a military boarding school. I glean 2 objectives from the title of your thread and from your original post: PUNISHMENT and CHARACTER-BUILDING.
**
PUNISHMENT**
Yes, I think your teen will definitely construe military school as punishment. You will likely succeed in realizing that goal, but to what end?—is punishment really the primary objective?</p>
<p>CHARACTER-BUILDING
I see military school as a positive for kids who actually want to go there. But forcing your incorrigible, unwilling teen to go to a reform-type military school may be counterproductive—why put your teen together with other incorrigible teens who have essentially been discarded by their own exasperated parents? And if your teen actually does “fall into line” at military school, will the behavior be SUSTAINABLE outside that regimented environment, or will he just go wild in college?</p>
<p>Our DS attends a college-preparatory type of BS. We appreciate that he is surrounded by kids who are POSITIVE role models. Although our purpose for enrolling him there was academics, not reform, we are pleased with how he has matured. We have been pleasantly surprised by not having to constantly deal with the tired argument: *“But, all my friends’ parents let them ____<a href=“fill%20in%20the%20blank”>/I</a>”, because at BS, ALL the kids have the same house rules. We no longer have arguments about clothes, curfew, study habits during school. When he is home for breaks, we have now fewer arguments about clothes & curfew. </p>
<p>We see his growth as SUSTAINABLE outside of his school environment. Kids at college preparatory BS are heavily scheduled and taught ACCOUNTABILITY. Prep school life is very structured. It is regimented without the marching, bugles and funny hats.</p>
<p>If you do want to assess the feasibility of college-preparatory BS for your family situation, some school characteristics to consider:</p>
<p>Day student %
Better to have a low percentage of day students. Day students have cars (need I say more)</p>
<p>Geographic setting
Sounds like the city life has too many distractions for your teen. Consider a rural campus. A rural campus will also facillitate more expansive athletic offerings-- sports are a good thing for keeping teens out of trouble.</p>
<p>Dress Code
Need not be a formal dress code, but some code that sets minimum standards</p>
<p>Sit-down Meals
This is surprisingly more popular among kids then you or they might initially believe. Sit-down meals foster a sense of community and builds social skills. Plus it’s hard to sneak off during meal time when there is an obviously empty assigned-seat at the table.</p>
<p>Here is a search resource: <a href=“http://www.boardingschoolreview.com/searchschools.php[/url]”>http://www.boardingschoolreview.com/searchschools.php</a></p>
<p>Good luck to your family.</p>
<p>If your son really doesn’t want to go away, and hates the military environment, he won’t last there and it will have been a colossal waste of time and money for everyone involved. Better schools have standards, and certainly won’t want to accept a kid who clearly doesn’t want to go there. I can’t conceive of ever sending my kid to one of the “therapeutic” boarding schools, but I understand that some parents are desperate. I think it really should be a matter of life and death before you sentence your kid to one of them. Does he have any special interests and talents that he’d like to cultivate, and that can be lifelines for him? My older son had lots of behavioral problems in middle school. His boarding school is progressive in certain respects, but very strict in others. It hasn’t been smooth sailing for him, but we hope he gets through to graduate this year. He’s made lifelong friends, and has developed in ways he couldn’t have at home. Cast a wide net, if his grades have deteriorated - the prep schools pay serious attention to reports from the middle school, but there are plenty of pretty good schools that will take a chance if they see potential. I doubt that he would bother trying at all if you sent him somewhere he’d hate. I’ll just add that my younger son ended up at the same school as the elder, although it wasn’t his top choice, either. He was a Presidential Scholar in middle school, with a wonderful record and no behavioral problems, but he was rejected by his first two choices. He was offered very generous financial assistance at the school his brother attends, and is also thriving there. He wanted to go to boarding school after seeing how his older brother benefited from the experience.</p>
<p>Is punishment working? If it isn’t, and you and your son perceive the new school to be a punishment, why would it work better than previous punishments? I think sending a child away from home without his cooperation could set him up for failure. In addition, he could decide, as children do, that “my parents don’t want me.” That makes sending an unwilling child away a gamble with a lot of downsides. Be aware that the schools will tend to talk about their successes. Families whose children did not thrive at school are not eager to talk to others about their experiences.</p>
<p>I would have grave reservations about any school which would accept students who don’t want to be there. I understand you are at your wits’ end. I would be reluctant to send my children to an organization which saw it as its mission to make kids behave, in the parents’ absence.</p>
<p>I don’t know you, so I have no way of knowing whether your expectations for your son are reasonable. Have you tried arranging for him to speak with a child psychologist? A seasoned professional could give you her opinion about the gravity of your son’s misbehavior, and may be able to help you improve his behavior or find a school. An educational consultant can help you to choose a reputable school, should you decide to take that route.</p>
<p>On the other hand, if you’re asking for absolution from an internet message board, I think your heart isn’t convinced this is the right path.</p>
<p>It’s probably a bad idea if it’s a punishment. But if it’s what you feel is the only solution and the family is prepare to make the sacrifice, there are some schools that are experts in turning kids around but don’t have brutal reputations: </p>
<p>[WMA:</a> Four Year Boarding Private High School, JROTC, Boys & Girls](<a href=“http://wma.edu/High_School/page.php?page=Better%20Grades]WMA:”>http://wma.edu/High_School/page.php?page=Better%20Grades)</p>
<p>Does punishment ever work?</p>
<p>Send him = permanent alienation.</p>
<p>Not wrong, just not a great choice unless his life is in danger with doing drugs, crime, etc.</p>
<p>Agree with what has been said so far. According to a friend who went to Annapolis and made a career in the military, the good military boarding schools generally want kids who are genuinely interested in the military and want to be there…they don’t see themselves as reform school. Similarly, college prep boarding schools also want kids who want to be there and are not places where kids are ‘sent away to be fixed’. I don’t know anything about therapeutic schools, but have heard stories both good and bad, and know they are wildly expensive even by boarding school standards. </p>
<p>I would recommend finding a great teen counselor for your son who could find out what is really happening and what your son needs. Punishment is not the answer, as much as you dislike his behavior…but I do understand your frustration.</p>
<p>I do think you are absolutely right in taking these red flags to heart and trying to address them rather than passively hoping the situation gets better. You sound like a good mom. It sounds as if something needs to be done or it well might get worse. Far better to address it now while he is still rather young.</p>
<p>First, I’d really like to thank everyone who posted here. I wanted to wait to reply until we finished with everything here on our end. We ended up going to see a counselor of sorts with him. It’s been mostly about him being bored this whole time. We managed to prompt a gifted test (which is no easy feat where we live at his age) and he scored very well. Unfortunately, we’re already sending him to one of the best schools in the area and their unable to get him into anything more challenging, so we may be looking for a boarding school but of a different kind now. DS said he’s open to that and is willing to try and get his behavior under control. I’m just so thankful this is all going to work out well in the end.</p>
<p>I haven’t had the chance to wade thru everything here, but let me just say if boarding school is a punishment, I want to be punished.</p>
<p>In our house, boarding school is a privilege, for a kid who is working his/her buns off, if I can be so vulgar and who has the maturity not to screw it up and get kicked out, once tuition is paid. $47,000 a year is too costly for a punishment. It’s definitely a reward for a job well done and an investment in their future for a lifetime of learning.</p>
<p>bayoumom77 - Glad things are looking up!</p>
<p>Just so you know, it is still not too late to apply to schools for next fall. There are many schools that are still accepting applications, and others that will accept late applications. If you’d need financial aid, it’s trickier, but if you don’t, you have lots of options. Take a look on [Boarding</a> School Review](<a href=“Boarding School Search Results”>Boarding School Search Results) and see what you find!</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>@dodgersmom- Thanks for the link! We’ll definitely be considering for next year if we don’t quite make it for this year.</p>
<p>Thank you for updating!</p>
<p>If he’s bored, well, a bored adolescent can find trouble. Does he have hobbies? Perhaps an extracurricular activity of some sort could help keep him occupied. Exercise can also help drain excess energy.</p>
<p>(just brainstorming!) Swimming, fencing, racquet sports, running, etc., can all be fun. Community service can make a difference–so much of what students are expected to do in middle school doesn’t make a difference. Also, tutoring or helping younger students, or coaching youth sports, can involve the right kid.</p>
<p>I’ll just say that it is not beyond the critical thinking skill set for a student who is being punished by being sent away to figure out a way to get kicked out the day after your check clears the bank. Who teaches who a lesson? Sometimes parenting is a matter of understanding when your child has the upper hand in a certain situation. Sending a child away to an expensive school as a form of punishment is a great way to give your child the upper hand. Kids have a killer instinct for when they hold that kind of edge and, if your son has the will, he’ll be all over this opportunity (for turning the tables on you) like a famished bulldog on a Porterhouse steak.</p>
<p>It sounds like you’re at your limits. So get some assistance. One way would be to have your son meet regularly with a child psychologist, who – in turn – can make time with you to discuss parenting strategies that may work with your son. Get references for a few child psychologists/psychiatrists in your area and choose one who (a) allows time to meet with both of you separately during sessions, and (b) maintains confidences of your child while (c) helping you tailor solutions and tools to help your child find his comfort zone and personal path to success.</p>
<p>I’m not suggesting that you do this to “get a diagnosis.” It may very well be – and very likely is – a matter of creating a better parent-child dynamic and reinventing the lines of communication and not something that requires extraordinary measures like prescription drugs, establishing a Sec. 504 disability plan, electro-shock therapy, a punitive military school experience, etc.</p>
<p>Simply giving your son a person to vent to in confidence, without being hassled or punished could be great for him…and if that professional can filter that feedback and your input to guide you, it may be highly beneficial for all concerned. I could be wrong about this, of course, but I’m 100% certain it’s a better approach than punitive military school. If, however, my suggested approach fails, send the kid far away with no return address. (Just kidding about the last part. Go ahead and attach a label.)</p>
<p>As a possible “best of both” worlds (a military academy known for strong academics), check out Culver Academy out in Indiana. It gets little coverage here, but I’d think it might make for a great high school experience.</p>
<p>[Culver</a> Academies](<a href=“http://www.culver.org/]Culver”>http://www.culver.org/)</p>
<p>Culver is doing a pretty good job for our family :-)</p>
<p>My son is in 9th grade - many Culver things are working well for him, but I’d say the three biggest plusses are: the teachers aren’t afraid to ask for his best performance, he likes being given more responsibility, and he loves the camraderie. You would probably find those to varying degrees at any school, but it does come together nicely at an academic military school. </p>
<p>I would agree that military school is not to straighten someone out, but more to highlight ones strengths. “one’s strengths” can sometimes be a little hard to find in a teenager, but the idea is to bring them out. </p>
<p>It isn’t clear to me what the issue is for OP - does the kid need professional support (and no harm in that!) or a star on the horizon to steer by. </p>
<p>And that goes for all schools - I’d say the real message we got during our 2 admissions “grand tours” in the last 2 years is that the schools are looking for someone who really wants to be there. So I would encourage the kid to figure out what his particular “star” is and see if that could fit into a heartfelt “I want to be at this school” speech.</p>