Parents of the HS Class of 2025 (Part 2)

Parents of HS Class of 20xx
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We’ve had a super lovely Christmas celebration with our whole immediate family, plus D22’s fiance and my mom. It’s wonderful to be together.

S25 was super happy to end the semester with A’s. He had one very challenging class he wasn’t sure he could get an A in (“weed out” class for math majors usually taken by sophomores, but he took it as a 1st semester freshman), but his grades had a steady increase all semester to get the A. I’m so excited for him.

Hoping everyone else is having a great holiday season/break for the college kids.

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Just hosted 22 people for a holiday dinner! We fit them all at one really long cobbled together table! Turkey, ham, and many sides. It was quite the feast!

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Thinking of you today. May the conversation go well–may the corners of hard statements be softened and heard, may grace uphold it, may resilience rise, and may he know that this all comes from a place of loving him and wanting the best for him.

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Thinking of you today. Hope the conversation goes well and that he realizes that this is coming from a place of love and support.

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My oldest (S19) still is struggling. He has come so far but still needs pushes. Its never easy conversations.

S23 crashed and burned, horribly his first year at Cuse. I remember not really lecturing him to do better but just being very clear the choice to succeed was up to him but that I was not financing partying and repeat courses. It took him a bit of time but he decided that he loved his college life and understood he had to approach college differently. He knew the plan B option was moving home and going to college here but his desire to end with a Syracuse degree was worth putting in the effort. He got the Alarmy app, took his meds regularly, added an app that shuts off his scrolling, and writes out to do lists and has a schedule planner he actually writes things in. It wasnt easy and his gpa is not stellar but he is doing so much better now his third year!

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Sigh. Conversation has been had, and it wasn’t great. We knew two grades were poor (a D and a C) and one was a B, but the other two were an A and a B going into finals and we were hoping they’d both end up As. Well, he didn’t check grades until just now and both went down - so he finished with a D, two C’s, and two B’s. Technically it will still be possible to keep his scholarship, but he’ll need to get four As and one B next semester, which seems really unlikely and, frankly, like potentially more stress than I should put on him.

We talked about what happened - he did great for the first month of school and then… just stopped turning stuff in. Every single class grade was lower than it should’ve been because of homework, and typically he did well on tests (although it sounds like two finals weren’t great). So we talked about that, and the need to do the homework.

But what is so frustrating is that this is the same conversation we’ve been having for YEARS. And when i asked “well, what are you going to change to make things come out differently” his answer was “I don’t know, but you can’t tell me what to do, it has to be something I figure out for myself that works for me.” Right. Yes. And that’s what I’ve been saying for years, and you haven’t come up with a plan yet, so why do you think you will now?

Then we talked about his class schedule for next spring (it’s a crappy schedule - 8AM classes M-F, one totally virtual asynchronous class, one class from 4-5:30 Mon/Wed, and one class noon-1:30 Tues/Thurs. We talked about planning time to study and going someplace to work, and his answer was “the library is so crowded that there’s no room or place to work.” Dude. Don’t give me an excuse, find a place. There are two other libraries, there are empty classrooms, there is space, you just have to make an effort to find it.

Sigh. Clemson does have an academic support center. I sent him the link and told him that I wanted him to do the self assessment they have, and then set up a meeting with one of their academic coaches. Maybe they can help him figure things out, because I don’t know what else to do.

I’m just so sad. I really though that there was a possibility for two As, and that then he’d be in a slightly less fraught situation next semester. If he doesn’t maintain a 3.0 it’s an extra $10k. Which, yes, I can pay if I have to. But when he’s so capable and just isn’t doing what needs doing, it just grates to pay the extra. He accepted at this school because, with the scholarship, it fell under our cost upper level. If he loses it, then it won’t be under.

And you all may remember, this wasn’t the school I thought was the best fit for him to begin with, so it makes me cranky, and it’s all I can do to not show that or express that. I know the decision is over and done, so I don’t want to be second guessing, but the thoughts are there. If he’d chosen Va Tech, there would be no stress over grades as long as he graduates. Sigh. I’ll get past this.

In the meantime, it feels like some of the things that he was loving in the beginning are falling apart. Friends are too busy with other stuff to be sociable, some are leaving the school, and he’s just not quite as happy as I think he was. I sucked up the extra cost because he was so excited about the school and the vibe and the people and it felt so right for him. Right now, nothing is feeling right, and it makes me sad for him.

Sigh again.

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Ughghgh. I’m sorry. That’s hard, and it sucks.

(And I feel for him, because I did this in college, and I still remember how my parents reacted. It wasn’t pretty. But it was a different time, and college was cheap then.)

Did you make an agreement that you would only continue to pay if he maintained the scholarship?

I’m gonna be real – I’m afraid my D26 is going to do this. She has ADHD and anxiety, and although she’s a strong student, if she gets overwhelmed, she shuts down. We’ve witnessed it several times, including this semester in a project-based class with a huge workload.

I can see her going away to school and imploding spectacularly. Trying to work out in my head whether we put any stipulations on where she attends.

Hugs to you as you guys work through this. :slightly_frowning_face:

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I relate to this so much. Hugs.

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My D did “fine” in everything except Chem; she was on track for a B but bombed the final so ended up with a C. The frustrating part is that she only took Chem because it’s required for engineering. Otherwise she could have taken an easier science class and probably done better.

Does anyone have any insight on business vs. photography? Should I start a separate thread? I wish D could double major but that would involve a transfer. On Christmas Day my 90 year old mother started freaking out about a photography major and equated it to trying to be a pro athlete. Sigh.

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@Spreadsheetmom Can you re-post the spreadsheet contest-y thing here? I think @OctoberKate will appreciate this bit of distraction.

@DivineMarshmallow , I’m not sure I have insight, but I wanted to let you know I was reading! I mean, my D25 is double majoring in dance and psychology, and I’ve certainly gotten comments about the dance piece. Honestly, part of the reason I’m comfortable with the BFA is that I know her long term plan is to go back to grad school. Where do you and your husband fall on the “college is a time to explore, to learn critical thinking skills” vs “college is to make you job ready” continuum?

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I have no real advice but want to say how much I empathize with your feelings and situation here. Both C22 and C25 were very similar to your S25 in HS. First college semester for C25 did end up going well, but I keep waiting for something to happen like you’ve experienced this semester with your S25.

Anyway…just wanted you to know you’re not alone. Parenting is tough. It sounds like you had the important and difficult conversation, which is the main thing at this point. I hope he uses the academic support center; it is there for a reason! Does he have a therapist or executive functioning coach at home that he is able to meet with over break to help him work through what he needs to do, too? I really hope all goes better this next semester or, if it doesn’t, that he has clarity and the awareness to potentially pivot as far as plans go if necessary.

I also wanted to let you know that you are not along with the challenges of how to navigate holiday breaks/special occasions with adult children. This one has been rough. I hope the remainder of yours is better and that there were good memories made in Hawaii despite it not being quite as you envisioned.

Thinking of you!

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Remind me why she can’t double major? Is it not doable even if she takes some summer classes?

If she absolutely can’t officially double major I’d probably choose one or the other but also take lots of classes in the other major and, if needed, switch the official major again in a year or two. (Assuming this is doable at her school–obviously it doesn’t work at every institution.) As to which one she chooses, it depends on what she wants to do after college, I guess. Does she really need to lock into one right away? Again, I know that depends on the school.

Best wishes to you both in this discernment process!

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Double majoring would take 6 years, according to the school. She can minor in whatever she doesn’t major in. She is frustrated because if she had figured this out last year, she might have chosen a different school to begin with.

She doesn’t need to lock in right away but she does need to change her classes for next semester to allow what she takes to apply to either major.

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Oh, thanks so much! You ask some good questions here, and I guess our answers now are different than they would have been 6 months ago. I’m more in the camp of “college for college’s sake” (liberal arts major here) while my husband has always been in the camp of “college is an investment, make sure it leads to a high paying career” (he’s an engineer.) He has also long said that you don’t need a college degree to do any kind of art (and that is true.)

Our D has always been very aware that college costs A LOT of money, and that she should be a good steward of the opportunity presented to her. Also her older cousins all did engineering…and because she had the (potential) academic ability to do engineering, thought that it made sense for her to pursue it as well. However, it was always more of a “yeah this could work” choice instead of a “yes, this is definitely a fit”, or we probably would have pushed one of the more engineering specific colleges she was accepted to.

Now that our D has been so unhappy this past semester, my husband is more on board with the “stay in school, get your degree in whatever” philosophy. In his mind, that money is earmarked for 4 years of college.

For people who are not super close to the situation or who don’t know my D well, the easy advice is “do business, then she always has a fallback degree”. And yeah, that makes sense. All anyone ever hears is that art degrees are worthless. For an academic high achiever, an art degree also seems like a cop out. But I’m the one closest to her. I hear the thought process, see the emotions, and am witnessing the arc over the last 4 years. What she is going through is much more than just “what major do I choose?” It’s about her self-identity, her confidence, her goals. These are really very deep and very personal issues that she is struggling with.

Her hesitation with pursuing photography is that if she does it in college and then she finds out she isn’t “good enough”, that she will lose her enjoyment of it (which is kind of what happened with music.) My thinking is that she has the ability, but she needs the mentorship and critiques and instruction over the next 3 1/2 years to improve, to develop a thicker skin regarding critique/feedback, etc. She also needs business skills (especially marketing and entrepreneurship and basic finance).

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Wow! It’s so interesting to see how different various schools are. I know at my C22’s school many kids end up with a double or even triple major. I’m sure it’s so frustrating for her to feel like she has to make a choice one way or the other at this point.

Honestly? I’d let her follow her passion/interest and see what develops (and take the business classes too–they never hurt and if she ends up loving that, then she pivots). There is no better time to explore her dreams.

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I think it can be hard to double major between two schools. An undergrad b-school program typically has an extensive core that is different from the liberal arts school core.

@DivineMarshmallow would a double major within the liberal arts school be more do-able? Perhaps economics (which is different from business but may be worth considering)?

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From what I understand, her school does not encourage double majors. They offer interdisciplinary majors (some of which can be tailored very specifically) within the honors program to those students wanting to explore several things. That ship has probably sailed for D though.

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Is a major and a minor a possibility?

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Yes, definitely.

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Anyone else have a student that has already changed majors?

My D25 was undecided when applying to colleges last year, and had applied to a large number because for some she applied as nursing while others were as neuroscience. Both of those majors are competitive to get into, so neither could be a “second choice”.

Then around Xmas 2024 it all kind of changed for her and she was feeling all in on nursing and chose one of those schools that she had a direct admit acceptance for nursing. Despite that, she registered for Fall 2025 classes in a way that let her ride the fence between being a nursing major and a pre-med major. By October of this fall, she was already having second thoughts on being a nursing major. Lots of little things happened that suggested a change was in order, and I told her that we could discuss this over winter break and there was no need to rush to formalize that decision and to just “sit” in it for awhile (as it would be impossible to “undo” it if she changed her mind again as she would lose her nursing seat). So after sitting with it for a couple of months and seeing how fall classes went, today she pulled the trigger to change her major to a double major in neuroscience and psychology, and include all of the pre-med courses. That also meant adjusting her spring schedule to end up with 4(!) science classes.

I’m happy that she’s happy.

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