She left yesterday, so that ship has sailed. A couple of weeks ago he needed a specific calculator that the bookstore didn’t have, so I offered to order it on Amazon. I asked if he needed anything else, and he wanted to replace his shower head (!), so I included the one he sent a link for and a couple of bags of candy. I did the same thing when S23 needed new running shoes. (Candy, not a shower head!) Both were appreciative.
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I’ve already sent two packages to DS (including his mail-in primary ballot)….
He is much less homesick! He made some friends at Hillel and was invited to lead part of services this past shabbat. 
He also went to Karaoke with friends from his major and did two songs.
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Yesterday was S25’s birthday, and we got our first facetime so I could actually SEE his face. There is a local parent (of a recent grad, I think) who has a business basically making and hand delivering gift baskets. She does them for birthdays, start of school year, exam stress relief, for bid day for sororities, basically any reason. You tell her about your child’s likes/dislikes and she’ll buy snacks or tchotchkes, make home made cookies or cupcakes, add gift cards to local restaurants that student’s like, add a birthday balloon whatever. It’s possible I went a little nuts with this. I spent A LOT on the birthday gift basket - I got 2 dozen cookies and then added cupcakes when she mentioned she was already making some for a different basket and could just add some one, I got the gift card, and so many snacks and a balloon and, well, it wasn’t cheap and he probably ended up with more snacks and treats than he knows what to do with. But the photo she sent after giving him the basket and the giant smile on his face made missing his birthday go down a little easier.
We have Family Weekend this upcoming weekend. I know, from S22, that generally the students don’t actually have the time (or interest) to spend much time with their parents, so I won’t be surprised to see that happen. Since there’s a football game that weekend, there was no housing to be had in the small town of Clemson. We’re staying 45 minutes away in Greenville, which is fine most of the time, but we’ve been told to expect at least 2-2.5 hours of driving time on gameday, and that’s if we leave five hours before the start of the game. So I’m not looking forward to that. I was hoping to take S25 to dinner on Friday or Saturday (it’s a noon game) but everything is going to be so crowded in town that I don’t think it will be feasible. I’m hoping we get to see him at least briefly on Friday, then he’ll sit with us during the game on Saturday. I wish I had come up with a less car-dependent solution, but I didn’t, so I’m worried about the annoyance factor for my husband, who already is predisposed to not particularly like this school. Oh well. What will be will be.
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It is hard missing their birthdays! And the basket sounds totally worth it. I’ve usually sent a care package with small wrapped presents inside – and I try to find something to make the kid laugh. This year I sent my daughter a sweatshirt that says “Introverted but willing to discuss linguistics” (totally true, and she did laugh) – and a couple years ago she was in a production of Great Comet, so I sent her THREE different translations of War and Peace, lol. You don’t want to know what that cost to ship. 
Ooof, I can just imagine that game day traffic. Hope it’s not as bad as you’re fearing. Greenville is a super fun city – two of my kids considered Furman – so any other time besides parents weekend, it would be nice to stay there. If it makes you feel better, I have never gone to parents weekend for D22 because it always conflicts with a band competition for D26. This year too, alas.
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I was wondering about this. We too have the Family Weekend coming up, but S25 might have an away meet that Friday, and I’d have to go alone so my husband can stay with D27 for her homecoming. It’s only a 3.5h drive so not a big deal… but his birthday is the following weekend and he wants us to be there for it 
so we will be there a week later anyway.
I just don’t want S25 to feel like he is left out without parents at Family Weekend… but not sure he even knows what to expect.
I have never gone to family weekend for my college senior. The first year I really stressed about missing it - but knew I was going up two weeks later when he’d have more time. It was fine, there were a number of kids with no one visiting. The main reason I’m going for S25 is because he wants us to see a football game. But he’s already said he doesn’t know if he’ll join us for any activities on Friday so we’ll pretty much only see him at the game. If the school is offering enough things to parents that attending them could be fun or interesting, then I think that also makes it worthwhile. It’s just better to plan to not do stuff with your kids, then if they join you it’s like a nice bonus.
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And…DS wants to stay at school for Rosh Hashana because he met a bunch of new friends and has apparently agreed to lead part of those services at Hillel too (!)
So the ticket is refundable and I swapped it for a different Jewish holiday and he can cancel that one if desired.
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Today is the two week mark for S25’s classes at Rose. He seems really happy so far and said the work load isn’t overwhelming. It actually sounds like he’s making good use of his time, as his classes are spread out from 9:00-5:00 three days a week.
Rush started this past weekend, and he’s decided to explore it. It lasts six or seven weeks at Rose. He is interested in a frat that on paper seems like an odd fit for him, as they are about 60 or 70% athletes. However, he seems pretty set on them and a brother invited him to dinner tonight. I had a terrible rush experience in college, so the entire situation makes me anxious. But I’m trying to just let him navigate the process and just keep my opinions to myself. (Other than suggesting that he keep his options open) He already seems so much more mature and self-directed in just two weeks. I miss him like crazy but am really proud of him.
We decided to skip parent weekend in late October, as it’s same weekend as the final rush formal events. If S25 moves forward in the process, then he won’t have much time to see us. We’re going for their two day fall break in early October instead, which will likely give us a bit more time with him. I can’t wait to hear more about his adventures when we see him. He texts a lot, but I’m dying to get more details of how things are going for him.
Great hearing everyone’s updates!
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S25 has a terrible rush experience which was surprising to us all. I was much more worried about his girlfriend, and she had an amazing experience. He didn’t pledge but may try again next year. He’s decided not to try out for his club sport which is disappointing to me. I think he needs to be part of something bigger than himself, but he hasn’t heard good things about the team.
All that being said, it sounds like he’s having a great time. He seems busy, has an active social life, and classes are going well. We text fairly often and have had a couple of phone conversations. He even asked me for fashion advice for a sorority party he’s going to next week!
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Sorry to hear rush was so awful but glad he’s doing well over all. The whole rush experience gives me anxiety.
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Fwiw, I think fraternities at the small STEM schools are very different from the stereotype you are likely thinking of. My S22 is in a fraternity at WPI and it’s been such a positive experience. So I’ll cross fingers that it feels the same at Rose.
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It’s also the 2-week mark from the start of classes for D25 at Smith, who also sounds like she’s settling in. We have gotten texts off and on (sometimes in a flurry when she wants to ask about something) and 2 longer calls. The current plan is for a regular Sunday call (hope this sticks!).
Some of the “flurry” texts were about class choices- they didn’t choose classes until they arrived on campus, and D25 has been contemplating options during drop/add (not sure if that is common elsewhere but seems to with her school). She was debating between taking Intro Psych (which technically she can skip bc of her AP score but the faculty recommended she take it) vs combining a dance class (which counts as half of a regular class) with another half-class. Lots of back-and-forth with us but she also reached out to the profs & student advisors in her dorm. So we are happy that D25 (who is shy and doesn’t like asking for help) is making those connections at school. And it does sound like her Smith house has a good sense of community- she says she is often studying with her housemates in the common areas.
We’d been planning to go visit during parents weekend, which is on Halloween, although we could switch to going during fall break– she might have more time then. But maybe also fall break is when she’d spend more time doing things with/ getting to know her college friends? Planning to ask her this Sunday!
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Rose is very laid back. S19 went through rush, but decided not to join any frats because he didn’t want to do the extra ‘stuff’ or spend the $ LOL. But he had many friends in them, mainly FIJI and ATO. I think he hung out at the ATO house more than some of the actual members did!
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I wish I had a better update (but I don’t) and I’m not sure where else to turn to for advice.
My D is not happy and is not settling in. This is not at all what we expected as she is generally very easy going. I went for parent’s weekend and it was wonderful to see her and I know she was glad I came.
There seem to be multiple issues:
• she doesn’t like her classes. The worst one is the Engineering Orientation class because it is very career focused while she isn’t even 100% sold on engineering or which discipline of engineering. Maybe it’s intentionally designed to weed students out? They’ve had older students come talk to the freshman about their internships and the older students just complain about how boring the internships have been. D doesn’t want an “office job” and is feeling pressured to make career decisions at 18 years old.
She says chemistry is boring because the teacher is boring (and this was one of her favorite subjects in HS), doesn’t want to do all the math, actually really likes the subject matter of her religion class but finds the class sections (you guessed it) boring. She seems to me to be kicking and screaming against getting back into school work.
• band is exhausting….she likes it and it is fun, but the band schedule keeps her from participating in pretty much every other activity that the school sponsors…also it is so freaking hot and that makes it even more exhausting
• Roommate issues…she has 1 roommate and 2 suite mates…she likes the 1 roommate who is absolutely lovely, but is having a hard time getting to know her better. Part of the issue there is band….the roommate has naturally gravitated toward the 2 suite mates because my D is never around because of band. The 2 suite mates are not her favorite at all. I met them all and one of the suite mates I could tell after about 5 seconds that they were not well suited. I’m sure she is a wonderful girl but they are chalk and cheese. Both suitemates are still 17 while she is about to turn 19, but I think it’s more of a personality issue; they complain that the other girls in the dorm are way too dorky and they don’t want to be friends with them because of that. My D is making friends with some of the other girls in the dorm so this naturally makes her think she must be dorky as well and not worth being friends with from the suitemate’s POV.
I cannot tell: Is this a bad college fit? A bad fit of major? Bad roommates? All of the above? Normal for freshman year? (Both hubby and I loved college from day one so don’t have any experience with this.)
What we’ve suggested so far: Cultivating friendships with the one roommate and other girls on the floor, going to the engineering professors, going to the dorm leaders, looking into other majors, giving it more time, going to the counseling center, and looking into transferring if need be.
Advice welcome.
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Parent of a HS Class of 2024 kid here.
You need to give it more time. It’s only been about a month, right? Some things to consider:
- Making friends takes time.
- The odds are high that you’re not going to be BFFs with everyone in your suite.
- Huge positive: your daughter has made some friends & connections with OTHER people in her dorm. That’s awesome.
- Since she’s at band practice so much, it’s normal that other non-band students will make connections with other people. Meanwhile, the band kids end up making friends with other band kids from, frankly, just spending so many hours having shared experiences with each other.
- It’s not going to be sunshine and rainbows all of the time.
- Part of the college experience DOES involve having to take classes, or go to discussion sections, which are boring. If the process was super mega fun and easy, everybody would be attending college.
- your daughter will build confidence by going through this process, by figuring things out. Don’t jump right in to fix it for her. You’re going to want to do that. But don’t. A lot of the time, she might just want to complain and get things off her chest. It’s ok to ask for clarification, like, “Is there anything I can help with? Anything you need?” Sometimes just saying something like “That sounds really frustrating” is validating enough for the student.
- re: chemistry - if she wants to do engineering badly enough, she’ll figure out how to survive chemistry. If she doesn’t want it badly enough, she can change her major to something else. And if she does change her major, that’s no big deal. Lots of people change their minds!
- hang in there. It’s going to be a year of a lot of personal growth for your kid. And a lot of change for parents, too. A huge year of adjustment. Some of it is going to make your kid, or you, or both of you uncomfortable at times. Just because one feels uncomfortable doing something new doesn’t mean that it’s bad. It could just mean “I haven’t figured this out yet.”
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Thank you!
Re: engineering orientation. It sounds like my Engineering Fundamentals class at my alma mater. I didn’t like it either. Those two semesters were 2 of my 4 Bs in college, lol. First semester we learned about the definition of a professional engineer, the different types of engineering, how to write (block lettering), and how to hand draft. Second semester was CAD but not AutoCAD or Microstation. This was when CAD was new!
It is designed to teach kids what engineering actually is and what they actually do. Many, if not most, engineering jobs are mostly in the office jobs. I usually tell kids that it’s my job to design the plans for someone else to build. You might get to do some site visits, but that’s not a typical day.
Why did she pick engineering in the first place? If she really wants an out of office job, maybe she should talk to her professor about options. Maybe they are some engineering paths that are more field based. Environmental comes to mind. Better to know this now than 4 years from now.
Chemistry - engineers have to take all different kinds of science classes. If she hates it, no biggie. Don’t become a chemical engineer! It will be on the EIT/FE exam if she needs to become a PE, but otherwise most of these classes you’ll never use if you don’t go into that branch of engineering. I loved chemistry - except for the labs. I hated labs of any variety - but it was my loathing of first semester physics and dynamics (my other two Bs) that led me to nix mechanical engineering as a career choice.
Edit - interns. A lot of interns get grunt work real engineers don’t want to do. My first day was copying plans literally for 8 hours! But it should give you a peek to watch what the office/job is all about. I did also get to do some real engineering work and learned AutoCAD on the fly on the CAD room. But it was still the type of tedious work that the real engineers were probably thrilled to push off on someone else.
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My kid has had a rough go of it too. I think things may be starting to improve, though I wouldn’t go so far to say anything is happy, or close to it. That said, my kid doesn’t like change and is a major introvert, so I didn’t expect it to be easy, though it is worse than I thought it would be.
I have spoken to a lot of friends and I can’t believe how normal it sounds to be miserable for the first month or even first semester. I was SHOCKED how many people told me they hated their early days of college and that in end had a great time. So I think what you are saying sounds super normal.
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I 100% agree with this. Absent mental health crises, I think going through the whole academic year is necessary to really get a feel/grow.
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@DivineMarshmallow , I’m sorry that your daughter is having a tough time - it is so stressful for her – and for us parents too!
I thought I’d be a veterinarian and major in biology. My first bio class in college and I was like, wow I really dislike molecular biology and genetics. Maybe a bio major isn’t for me! My eventual major (Environmental Science) required a year of all the lab sciences. I hated the part of physics having to do with anything I can’t see (electricity, magnets, etc) and I still hate it! I got flashbacks while C25 was taking AP. And geology - HATED IT. But, I loved my major overall. I decided to specialize in a subdiscipline that had nothing to do with physics or geology 
. Also, did an internship that I did NOT like – and 3 others that I loved. As important as loving your internships and classes is discovering what you dont like. Much better to do that now!
I think perhaps part of supporting your daughter is reassurance that it’s ok to dislike things about college and her major, and it’s ok to choose a totally different path than what she envisioned for herself. The beauty of that environment and this time in her life is that there are virtually no closed doors. Just keep moving forward!
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