First, I’m paging @AnonMomof2 because her daughter had a rough start freshman year in college and ended up transferring to a different school. She has a ton of insight and experience with this kind of situation (and a very happy ending!).
I’m sorry your daughter is going through this, college is an adjustment and not liking many aspects just makes everything harder.
Before my children went off to college, I reminded them they had made their decision with the best information they had at the time (they were all excited), but if they decided their college choice wasn’t right - they could always make that choice again. That this was a decision that wasn’t/isn’t cast in stone and it was important to know what decisions can be changed.
It may help your daughter for you to remind her that she does have options. She can change her course selections for next semester if she doesn’t like the courses she chose this semester/doesn’t think she wants to pursue the same field as when she arrived. She can look at transferring to a school that might be a better fit. She can think about whether she’d like to try moving out of her current dorm room. She can choose to continue marching band or give herself the gift of time and explore other opportunities/activities.
Nothing is cast in stone with any of this. And she wouldn’t be the first student to realize what she thought she wanted isn’t what she actually wants. That’s a big part of being an adult. And college is a great place to practice and learn from the good and bad stuff.
I always tell my children that all information is helpful, good and bad. It gives you valuable insight into what you like and don’t like, what works and doesn’t work for you, etc. This is a wonderful opportunity for your daughter to learn how resourceful and competent she is to take all this new information and make new decisions/choices with it.
She may find by next month that she actually loves her classes. And the chalk and cheese roommate may still become a surprise friend. Or, she may decide that the first choice school wasn’t the right choice…and apply to transfer for next year. Whatever happens, she is doing exactly what I think we all want our children to do during college; learning about who she is, what she wants, what she values, her priorities and how to make her goals and dreams a reality.
Sending you and her lots of hugs and support. Adulting is hard work. She will figure this out, and she is lucky to have you helping her.
These are important points. I’d give it time and show her you are confident she will figure it out. You are there to support her, be a sounding board, and instead of giving her solutions, ask her what her thoughts and plans are for what’s going on (assuming she is doing more than just venting). It’s wonderful that she is sharing all this with you. So much better than swallowing it and suffering in silence. Knowing she has your support without you fixing it for her will empower her. Negative feelings and experiences are not to be avoided at all costs, but rather, are to be seen as an important part of life. Like Dr. Becky Kennedy (author of Good Inside) would say, we should not optimize for happiness. We are looking to build resilience.
If after a semester things are not looking better or things take a turn for the worse before then, of course it would be time to reassess/take action.
That reminded me of my first job as a law student intern in a tax consulting firm in the 90s. I was assigned to a project where I spent weeks in a dusty basement retrieving and making copies of old invoices to then enter them into never ending spreadsheets. Lots of paper cuts but at least the food was free!
As for engineering major, I think many kids just don’t know what jobs are truly out there or what options they have. Allowing for kids to try some other classes is good for them. I also talk to my kids that their job when they graduate does not need to be their sole identity and that they just need to pay the bills and not be miserable and find hobbies and enrichment outside of work.
Band. My daughter really struggled with letting go of dance since she had done it since she was so little. Trying out for the competition dance team made her realize that maybe she didn’t want dance to control her life anymore. She is doing the dance club team which is much less of a time commitment. Perhaps look for other music outlets or even just taking instrument lessons versus playing in band.
Roommates. I realize that social media makes it seem that every college freshman becomes besties with their roommates, but I feel that is not the majority, to be honest. I always told my kids that you need to be cordial and friendly and learn to respect others in the living space. They dont have to be your forever friend and that is okay.
Dr.LucieHemmen on TikTok is really good. Andrew Godwin as well.
I’ve read all the replies, thank you! I appreciate the empathy and the encouragement.
She went into engineering because she is always thinking about ways that products and things could be improved (for example, parking lots and roads), she enjoys logistics, and is very logic driven. Her father is an engineer and I’d say he spends 1/4 of his time in his office. So far she hasn’t been enthusiastic about what has been presented to her (for example, controlling the size of droplets in mists in order to impact fertilizer application)…those aren’t the kinds of things she is fascinated by. She also has a creative side to her that isn’t being nurtured other than by band. She is also intimidated by all of the math.
I’ve encouraged her to go to her professors and I’ve made it clear that if she doesn’t want to pursue engineering, that is totally fine. Heck, even if she doesn’t want to do something so academic but transfer to culinary school or something that is okay too. I met a woman this summer who got her architecture degree from a top college but realized half way through that she hated architecture, but by that point couldn’t switch. Better to know now than later.
The suitemates— because she has band and because she is making friends on the dorm floor, it isn’t intolerable. She was happy I met them because now her mom “gets it.” Again, these are fine young women, just not her cup of tea and probably vice versa. She really does like her roommate and is bothered by how the suitemates treat the roommate, but that’s not her battle. It is what is. She wants her own room next year.
I don’t think the roommates or their moms have any concept of how demanding being in an extracurricular activity at this level is. There’s a big college event tonight and my daughter can’t go because of band. One mom said “won’t band get out early so they can go?” Um, no. There is a home game tomorrow night so a new show to put on…the only other thing more important than band are the other classes.
Hugs to all of you whose kids are still getting their feet under them. I talked to a mom last week whose daughter is in cheer and asked her how the daughter is liking it…the mom hesitated and finally said “she likes it but it is a huge adjustment.”
There’s supply chain management (perhaps with some sales or marketing thrown in), data analytics or data science. What about dosimetrist or medical physicist or clinical medical lab science?
Industrial engineering or working in quality management might fit … she sounds like a natural CQI person to me - and you can get there through management or engineering (depending on what you want to improve).
CQI is often process driven (vs product) but overlap
What she wants to be when she grows up is just part of the problem. Maybe it’s growing pains, not sure, but there is a lot of existential angst about work-life balance and working to profit someone else, that kind of thing. She says she is in a spiral of overthinking and that is accurate. I’ve tried to tell her to just think about the next 5 years…even just the next 5 months…not so much the next 25 years…but she is caught up in anxiety to a degree that I’ve never ever seen from her.
Additionally she never dropped that class that her advisor suggested taking later, which frustrates me to no end. Why make things more difficult for yourself?
The roommate situation seems to be getting worse by the day, in that every day that goes by the 3 of them bond and she does not. I don’t blame them, of course they’re going to go do things, but it’s hard. I (we?) did not fully anticipate the degree to which band would dominate her social life and life outside the classroom. Of course she missed the university wide event last night because of band—and then got caught up on assignments and went to bed early because today was a full day of band. They’re at the point now where the 3 of them make plans together in front of my daughter and they’ve stopped asking her to join in. I told her if she wants to join in she has to ask, but she says “well I probably have band anyway”. Thankfully she has friends in band but it still is awkward.
I’m honestly worried sick about her. She has always been an easy going, go with the flow, happy camper type. This isn’t like her at all.
I’m sorry to hear about the incredibly rough start.
From your previous post, I immediately thought of industrial design being a major that might interest her – it’s something my D26 explored for awhile. It’s not offered everywhere, though.
Do you think band itself is the issue? I know she was disappointed not to get the instrument she wanted, and now having to spend so many hours that keep her from doing something else…or, if she didn’t have roommates, would she be perfectly content spending all the time in band because she wouldn’t be missing out on roommate bonding that was happening without her?
I’m just wondering if the initial rough start is keeping her from being fully invested in the school, and so she might be unhappy no matter what the situation is.
Ugh, I’m sorry. It’s really hard as a parent to know from afar what the answer is.
I admit your posts make me nervous, because I have a marching band kid that applied to schools both with and without marching bands (although she needs at least a pep band to be happy) – and she’s going to have to decide how much time she wants to commit to it.
I just sent my S25 his video on temporary friends the other day, because he was having some drama with a group that he had been hanging around and realized they weren’t very nice, and he didn’t like them much.
It is HARD for kids in a new environment to navigate all this stuff. And my kid is especially naive when it comes to friendships. I’m so grateful that he’s found a couple of solid kids – two in his dorm, and one in his classes – to befriend.
